Oscar starting school is a miracle and I am so proud of him.
People tend to shy away from that word ‘miracle’ but I like to think of it as
being any moment where love wins over fear. And there have been many, many
moments on Oscar’s journey that have required choosing love over all sorts of
seemingly insurmountable challenges. Let me show you, this is what a miracle
looks like:
In the first month of treatment
Auden and Oscar supporting each other in the Oncology Ward Play Room
Auden and Oscar off to school together
When we were in hospital, contained within isolation rooms
and confined by our circumstances, I used to play a game with myself. I used to
imagine the future. I would visualise future milestones in Oscar’s life. His 21st,
his first driving lesson, even his wedding and, of course, his first day of
school. The theory was that if I could visualise it then I could will it into
being. I was determined. And it helped pass the time in a positive way.
So when that day came it was everything and yet nothing. It
was an impossible dream at times and yet always meant to be. It was shining
with triumph, love and a little bit of magic.
Months ago I was in a panic about it. I had a panic attack
not long after ‘Look at Big School’ Day hit me in the heart with the intensity
of a meteor, hot and fast and unexpected. I could not breathe at the sheer
bigness of it, of how far he has come, of the realisation of something that
seemed like a foreign land for so long. And yet, on the day, it was easy. It
was natural. It was always meant to be. The love of the universe and the energy
of the stars held my hand and whispered peace.
He is in his element. He has embraced it in a way I am
gobsmacked by. He is drinking it in. He owns his place in this world like the birth
right it is and I wonder (not for the first time) – am I his teacher, or is he
mine?
I received a lovely
message from a mum from our preschool community telling me about him playing
hand ball at school with several year 6 girls and beating them. I love that he
is this confident, forthright little being and I love that our preschool
community still surrounds us with the kindness of passing on shared experience.
I love that he runs from me without so much as a look back, happy and keen and
confident.
He is a force. Not even cancer can beat him! This school
business is easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Meanwhile, Auden checks in on him and beams with brother
love and joy that they are together again and shows him all the things that
make his world secure. All the things he loves about his school. And I head off to work.
Who knew – that any of this was possible?
And as I move forward I want so much to take the lessons we
have learned with us. There are so many but the most significant for me right
now is the gift of focus. When you are in a place of trauma fighting for
someone you love to stay alive everything becomes so clear. Anything that does
not come from love and healing is cast aside with ease. All the dramas we waste
time on are revealed for the farce that they are. You get incredibly
disciplined about what you allow yourself to think about. Your energy is given
the value it has always deserved because you no longer have the luxury of
wasting it. And this wisdom is a treasure placed in your hand. It whispers:
this is it, stop your bullshit and get on with it.No matter what your circumstances I hope you can find the intention to improve them through the choices you make. There is so much we have no control over, so much that gets ripped from us and tears at our hearts but even in the worst of circumstances there is always one thing you can control: the thoughts you choose and the way you choose to respond to them.
Each day I try to have more moments where I choose better
thoughts. I don’t always succeed but I try to keep improving, to keep
disciplining my mind back to a place of gratitude. Fear still has way too much
influence in my life. I still have panic attacks and deep anxiety but I try to
distract my mind from the negative loops by writing down everything I am
grateful for and by meditating and sometimes by just sitting with it, accepting
it and waiting for it to pass.
Thanks again for opening your heart and taking the time to
read this. Take care beautiful people. Visualise something greater than the
circumstances you find yourself in. Much love, Cindy. xx