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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Oscar's name on page 24 of the latest edition of Chemo Chronicle - woohoo - we made it to the "Congratulations for finishing treatment" page with some very special friends we shared the journey with. How magical to see all these gorgeous little people make it through. x

No apologies

Not being able to hear another persons story with respect and kindness is a kind of deafness of the heart. We all suffer from this at times because we all have egos that need to be right. I understand and I love you regardless. Love is all there is - it sits with us and holds our hand unconditionally and respects that we are all the same. Or, as Oscar likes to say whenever I tell him I love him, "I already know that Mummy, stop saying it." The only knowing worth anything is that of the heart. Much love, Cindy x

Deep diving the words...

Oscar had his monthly check up today. I have been worried about him lately. He  has been wanting to lie on the lounge all day and do nothing. Hasn't much been interested in food. Has a rash on his back and legs and has woken a couple of times screaming like he is in pain and sweating profusely (and I haven't been able to get his temperature taken). So it was a relief to have a chance to get him all checked out and he is ok. Perhaps a virus, plus he is having night terrors (not temperatures - which is a good thing in our world). So I am relieved and I can put the crazy worrying mummy back to sleep where she belongs and just be plain old tired crazy lady.

Oscar has healed well from his circumcision and he has stopped anouncing at the top of his lungs every other minute that his penus hurts - which makes going to the shops a little less eventful, although he has replaced it with wearing his superman outfit everywhere (including to bed at times), plus he insists on having his face painted as a pirate whilst also sporting a stethoscope - lets just say that his identity crisis looks a lot more fun the one I'm having (ha ha).

Auden is much more certain about himself and everything generally and sticks to only dressing as Batman when he doesn't feel like being a pirate and he doesn't get a chance to be the Doctor around here. As far as Oscar is concerned nobody is getting to be Doctor but him and there is absolutely no way he is going to be the patient. He tells Auden that he needs a checkup, puts his stethescope on Auden's chest and then says, rather realistically: "Mmm, that does not sound good. I need to give you some medicine." Auden loves being the one looked after so its a fairly perfect arrangement.

There's a lot going on but I'm trying hard to keep it light and keep the crazy lady at bay as much as I can. To help me with this I have retreated to the very thing that failed me most during Oscar's treatment: words. And in the very clear absence of my own ability to articulate anything useful at all I take comfort in the words of someone truly gifted at articulation:

"I believe in fiction and the power of stories because that way we speak in tongues. We are not silenced. All of us, when in deep trauma, find we hesitate, we stammer; there are long pauses in our speech. The thing is stuck. We get our language back through the language of others. We can turn to the poem. We can open the book. Somebody has been there for us and deep-dived the words." p.21 of
'Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?" by Jeanette Winterson

Thanks for checking in on us beautiful people. Share your stories no matter how hard they may be to share - maybe you will have 'deep-dived the words' for someone else when you least expect it. Be kind to yourselves and one another. Much love, Cindy x

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Mum's Birthday

We got together and had a lovely day with Mum on the weekend for her birthday celebration. It was wonderful to all be together on such a magic day, looking out at the harbour and just relaxing.

Happy Birthday Mum (Nanny) - without you this journey towards health and happiness would not have been possible. Much love, Cindy, Pete, Auden and Oscar. x