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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Very proud - big school boy now!

Oscar starting school is a miracle and I am so proud of him. People tend to shy away from that word ‘miracle’ but I like to think of it as being any moment where love wins over fear. And there have been many, many moments on Oscar’s journey that have required choosing love over all sorts of seemingly insurmountable challenges. Let me show you, this is what a miracle looks like:  

 In the first month of treatment

 Auden and Oscar supporting each other in the Oncology Ward Play Room

 Auden and Oscar off to school together

When we were in hospital, contained within isolation rooms and confined by our circumstances, I used to play a game with myself. I used to imagine the future. I would visualise future milestones in Oscar’s life. His 21st, his first driving lesson, even his wedding and, of course, his first day of school. The theory was that if I could visualise it then I could will it into being. I was determined. And it helped pass the time in a positive way.
So when that day came it was everything and yet nothing. It was an impossible dream at times and yet always meant to be. It was shining with triumph, love and a little bit of magic.
Months ago I was in a panic about it. I had a panic attack not long after ‘Look at Big School’ Day hit me in the heart with the intensity of a meteor, hot and fast and unexpected. I could not breathe at the sheer bigness of it, of how far he has come, of the realisation of something that seemed like a foreign land for so long. And yet, on the day, it was easy. It was natural. It was always meant to be. The love of the universe and the energy of the stars held my hand and whispered peace.
He is in his element. He has embraced it in a way I am gobsmacked by. He is drinking it in. He owns his place in this world like the birth right it is and I wonder (not for the first time) – am I his teacher, or is he mine?
I received a lovely message from a mum from our preschool community telling me about him playing hand ball at school with several year 6 girls and beating them. I love that he is this confident, forthright little being and I love that our preschool community still surrounds us with the kindness of passing on shared experience. I love that he runs from me without so much as a look back, happy and keen and confident.

He is a force. Not even cancer can beat him! This school business is easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Meanwhile, Auden checks in on him and beams with brother love and joy that they are together again and shows him all the things that make his world secure. All the things he loves about his school.

And I head off to work.

Who knew – that any of this was possible?
And as I move forward I want so much to take the lessons we have learned with us. There are so many but the most significant for me right now is the gift of focus. When you are in a place of trauma fighting for someone you love to stay alive everything becomes so clear. Anything that does not come from love and healing is cast aside with ease. All the dramas we waste time on are revealed for the farce that they are. You get incredibly disciplined about what you allow yourself to think about. Your energy is given the value it has always deserved because you no longer have the luxury of wasting it. And this wisdom is a treasure placed in your hand. It whispers: this is it, stop your bullshit and get on with it.

No matter what your circumstances I hope you can find the intention to improve them through the choices you make. There is so much we have no control over, so much that gets ripped from us and tears at our hearts but even in the worst of circumstances there is always one thing you can control: the thoughts you choose and the way you choose to respond to them.

Each day I try to have more moments where I choose better thoughts. I don’t always succeed but I try to keep improving, to keep disciplining my mind back to a place of gratitude. Fear still has way too much influence in my life. I still have panic attacks and deep anxiety but I try to distract my mind from the negative loops by writing down everything I am grateful for and by meditating and sometimes by just sitting with it, accepting it and waiting for it to pass.
Thanks again for opening your heart and taking the time to read this. Take care beautiful people. Visualise something greater than the circumstances you find yourself in. Much love, Cindy. xx

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